Since A-Level results were released last Friday, I thought there’s no better time to write on my personal failure in my own A-Levels almost 10 years ago.
As someone who tripped and fell multiple times in my academics all the way to University, I think I’m well-equipped to discuss the experience and mindset of being in a “hopeless” crossroads.
In this article, I’ll write about my experience of underperforming in my A-Level examinations, retaking them during National Service (NS) and rebuilding my academic and personal life through mindfulness principles. By weaving personal narrative with psychological frameworks, I aim to demonstrate how intentional awareness practices may help to reframe failure into a source of fuel for growth.
For students who are currently reeling from your results, I assure you that whatever hopelessness you feel right now, will not be of significance a couple of years down the line. I urge you to take what I’m about to say and cultivate resilience, while maintaining your forward momentum as you progress through your life.
An Avalanche of Failure
The Day Reality Shattered
Receiving my A-Level results felt like time has malfunctioned – as if two years of Junior College collapsed in a single, excruciating instant. While for others it was a moment of overflowing joy as their consistent, hard-work in their preparation has paid off, it’s the complete opposite for those like me. Instead of a sudden surge of emotions, we’re faced with an acute stress response to academic failure. A sudden tunnel vision, nausea and trembling hands, all at once. It didn’t help that my form teacher simply told me that my ONLY choice from there, was to attend private university.
For a number of weeks, I operated in what psychologists call “functional freeze”. As I attended to my NS duties, the scenes from the day of result release constantly replayed in my mind. This eventually solidified the thoughts of “I’m a disgrace, a failure” and “My future is ruined”, which haunted me for a few years.
Mindfulness Practice of Non-Judging
By constantly repeating those thoughts, I am subconsciously judging myself. This is why it is important to practice non-judging, which is Kabat-Zinn’s first pillar of mindfulness.
Judgement is an instinctual human response that spares no one, including ourselves. To break out of the negative cyclic thoughts, we must learn to observe failure without moral labelling and recognise and acknowledge when our mind wanders. Putting something like journaling into practice, where we can document those thoughts and consciously reframe them as transient mental events instead of truths, would help tremendously.
The Barrier to Retaking
Life’s not so simple
Singaporean males that are retaking A-Levels during NS faces a trifecta of challenges:
1. “Time Squeeze” from working full-time – often overtime in NS, while staying consistent in revision.
2. Environmental limitation of studying in an unfavourable location such as a noisy bunk.
3. Social stigma of peers questioning wasted effort on a second attempt.
Although Singaporean males face more difficulties in revising, Singaporean females would have a more difficult decision to make. While they are exempted from NS, deciding to retake A-Levels would mean to deliberately choose to spend another year redoing their A-Levels. Society sees this choice as a “waste” of a year and we’d be better off moving on, which is far from the truth.
In the past, I was very easily persuaded by people’s words. I had a herd mentality and always thought that any more time spent not moving forward in life is time wasted. It’s only until I graduated that I recognised how wrong I was.
If I could turn back time, I still would probably have retaken my A-Level examinations. But I wouldn’t treat it as the only way out of that situation. In fact, I may have went with my guts and tried to become a Sport Scientist.
Mindfulness Practice – Beginner’s Mind in the Barracks
Kabat-Zinn’s third pillar – approaching challenges with fresh perspective – is extremely useful in helping us keep our minds open. For the friends who are serving the nation, instead of resenting NS for taking up your revision time, try to reframe your duties: Route marches and physical training helps boost our cerebral oxygenation and field camps help build resilience through exposure to discomfort and stress. This cognitive restructuring would help improve time management efficiency and prevent mental burnout that leads to giving up.
For those exempt of NS, sees retaking A-Levels as a waste of time and are tempted to give up on their dream, hear this: Most people who rushed through life to start working often found themselves not enjoying their line of work. Therefore, spending 1-2 years in exploring something of interest may not be the worst thing to do after all.
The New Normal
Private candidates often don’t have the luxury of striving to achieve 90 RP. As students, we have the full-time responsibility of getting good grades. But once we’re out of school, we’d be forced to pick up other responsibilities. As such, it is crucial for us to adjust our own expectations accordingly.
Mindfulness training reinforces our mind and forces us to focus on what’s important. Instead of falling into binary thinking traps such as “Total Redemption” and “Still Inadequate”, it is much better for us to focus on “Measurable Progress”
My retake results brought BCC grades, which was far from stellar. But what’s important is that I managed to do so while juggling between NS duties and my revision. It was a massive improvement from how I initially did and it got me where I wanted to be; I went from having no return offers, to getting offers from my preferred school and major. Again, I was happy with my results because I managed my expectations beforehand.
Mindfulness Practice – Letting go of Perfection
This Stoic Philosophy of letting go involves recognising and accepting what you cannot control. Our fixation of going through the perfect academic path (Primary -> Secondary -> JC -> Local Uni) holds us back more than we realise. Even when we are forced to deviate from this ideal, we still try our best to hold onto it.
Only by letting go of such ideals can we notice the endless possibilities of this world we live in. Private universities, MOOC certifications and professional experience via internships are just some examples. All these diversified approach increases the area of opportunity for us, allowing us to succeed in ways we couldn’t have imagined.
Failure as Fertilizer
My journey from A-Level collapse to professional stability wasn’t a straightforward path, but being put in that position has definitely helped reinforce my mind and resilience. Academic setbacks become transformative when processed through mindfulness frameworks.
For students facing result day despair, remember that:
1. Failure is data, not destiny
2. Recovery is non-linear
3. Mindfulness is multiplicative
There is nothing more important than our own mind. We are only as capable as what we think of ourselves. The path forward begins with a single, mindful breath, then another, then another. Every conscious step eventually brings us over the mountain. The world is your oyster, especially so when you have the advantage of youth.
Zen Yi 
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